Old Diggers Never Die…

...they just lose their sites!

Was talking with an old detecting friend the other day and we started talking (commiserating might be a better word) about our physical limitations when it came to detecting. Trying I suppose to make each other feel better about aging.

We discussed among other things the difficulty of getting down and up, back pain, bad knees and arthritis. We also talked about aids that might help like the short handled shovels, canes and the like.  At the time it seemed like a normal conversation but after hanging up I started feeling depressed. I mean jeezus is there any hope? Was there something to look forward to? 

Well to make a long story short it got me thinking about things and I wanted to run this idea by you all. I’m thinking seriously about opening –

Stout’s Retirement Home for Senior Seekers

(or maybe “Dick’s Dump for Demented Diggers”)


  1. You must be at least 75, have detected for a minimum of 25 years and be physically limited in some form or fashion (mental deficiencies in this pastime are a given and not accepted as a physical limitation).
  2. You must appreciate wine.
  3. You must be able to talk, babble, or piss and moan about the pastime (proficiency in talking about the good ole days a plus).
  4. You must have your own gear, i.e. detector, digging equipment, camo clothing, emergency alert button and hearing aids.
  5. You must be able to participate in “Happy Hour” in some form or fashion every day (i.e. bring wine, serve wine, drink wine, pass out and/or put your fellow tekkies to bed).


Deluxe Plan: $350 per week

  • Private room with king sized bed, cable TV, Wi-fi, camouflaged walker (with tennis balls) and gold plated bed pan.
  • Breakfast, lunch & dinner daily  (bibs included).
  • Daily Happy Hour with free wine & hors d’oeuvres.
  • Twice weekly bus trips to virgin detecting sites (detectorists who get lost or who are not present when the return bus arrives are on their own). Please note “virgin” means not detected before.
  • Seeded half acre detecting site on the grounds (replenished daily).
  • Free 24/7 “All gal” detecting videos.
  • Young & attractive nurses, aides and personal diggers available 24/7.


Standard Plan: $250 per week

  • Room with queen sized bed, standard TV, Wi-fi, plain walker (no tennis balls) and Tupperware bedpan.
  • Breakfast and dinner daily (bibs included).
  • Daily “Happy Hour” with half-priced wine and hors d’oeuvres.
  • Seeded half acre detecting site on the grounds (replenished daily)
  • Professional in-house video equipment so you can remain famous up to the very end.
  • Nurses and aides available via Zoom.
  • Free laxatives as needed.


Economy Plan: $200 per week

  • Shared room with twin bed, TV with rabbit ears, cane and camouflaged litter box.
  • Breakfast daily (bibs included).
  • Daily “Happy Hour” (BYOB & food).
  • 24/7 detetcting podcasts, whether you want them or not.
  • Do it yourself detecting (get lost, get arrested and you’re on you own).
  • Do it yourself nursing and housekeeping (a.k.a. “die in a sty”).


Also available to ALL residents – Weekly Bingo, Lectures and Entertainment….

Tentative schedule….

October 19th – Chicago Ron “Want to See My Barn?”

October 26th – Jocelyn Elizabeth “You Too Can Be a Crazy Lamp Lady”.

November 5th – John Howland  “The Secret to Borrowing Money and Not Paying it Back”.

November 12th – Beau Ouimette “How to Come Up With a Clever & Baffling Nickname”

November 19th – Dick Stout “Best Wines Under $5”

Yeah I know, what can I say. This is what happens when it rains and you have had too much to drink…..hang in there. 


On a More Serious Note….

Detectorist and good friend Joe Grasso recently suffered a stroke and could use our prayers, thoughts and good vibes. I took a chance, emailed and he responded:

“I’m at a rehab until at least the 20th or so, so I can relearn to walk again. But I’m alive & grateful. Thanks for reaching out my friend. I’ll keep you updated…”

If you would like to reach out to Joe you can email him at joegrss@gmail.com.

Hang in there Joe and get better soon!! 




Filed under Metal Detecting

17 responses to “Old Diggers Never Die…

  1. Tony

    Dick, sorry to hear about Joe. I’ll send him a note today.

    So as crazy as that idea of yours sounds you may have just become the father of a new medical industry. Don’t stop at metal detectorists – go for Sailors, cowboys, nurses…etc. At least the old folks will have like stuff in common and that will make it more interesting conversations.

  2. Randy Dee

    I am very interested in your “Old Diggers Accommodation” proposals I may just settle for the mid range unit deluxe plan with the double bed that twin bed job is cheap but not much use for all of the loose women detectorists who will be overwhelming the ex-detectorist accommodation and looking for bed warmers, then again it might be just wishful thinking from an almost octogenarian.

  3. LR

    too bad there’s no option for those under 50…

  4. LR

    or those who only drink coffee and tea…

  5. “Professional in-house video equipment so you can remain famous up to the very end…” Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! So sorry to hear about Joe…I’ll drop him a note. Strokes are insidious…!!!

  6. john taylor

    and the “‘rooster” crows again! ehe! heh! he!
    just sayin’


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