Hot Weather Humor…

Taking a break from detecting right now and here’s why….

FORECAST

So in lieu of anything constructive, informative or useful, here’s a chuckle or two…..

A HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY

limo

Courtesy of John Howland

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”

“Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

_________________________________

PREPARATION IS THE KEY!

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yells, “I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine, and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the back of the room calls out, “You don’t have enough ammo!”

________________________________

TRUE STORY

Actual online back and forth between two tekkies (names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty)… 

Bob: Check this out

Ted: Already saw it and shared it

Bob: Guess I missed it, worked in the yard most of the day. Wife is still in the cool land of Scotland. Trying to get caught up on all I need to do before she returns

Ted: Better get rid of he bottles

Bob: The bottles will be gone. I still have a week, she will not be back until the 25th.

Ted: And tell the gals not to wear any perfume

Bob: Talked to her about an hour ago. She was in a pub.

Ted: Only one gal?

Bob: I like all the advice you are sending me. Is this the voice of experience?

Ted: Hmm, not sure I can answer that…

Bob: Silence is golden!

Ted: Okay then, clear the internet history, get rid of the bottles, use Febrese, wash the dishes, change the bed sheets and pay off the neighbor.

Bob: I know that is the voice of “been there, done that”…sage advice I will take to heart.

Ted: No, these are just a few things I’ve heard about.

________________________________

ABSTINENCE?

John: “I never had sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

Joe: “I’m not sure. What was her maiden name?”

BADABOOM….

________________________________

goodshit

*****************************

Advertisements

14 Comments

Filed under Metal Detecting

14 responses to “Hot Weather Humor…

  1. danhughes1

    A few short ones:

    “My girlfriend has a stalker.”
    “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”
    “I don’t.”

    I just got a notice about my “outstanding payment.” I don’t remember making it, but I’m glad they liked it so well.

    I just got fired from my Psychic Hotline job. Never saw THAT one coming!

    • Ala Henny Youngman…..

      • danhughes1

        Henny! My favorite lines from him:

        I told the airline clerk I had three bags. “This one goes to New York, the second one goes to Miami, the third one goes to Los Angeles, and I’m going to Chicago.” The clerk said, “Sir! We can’t do that!” And I said, “Why not? You did it the last time I flew.”

        Psychiatrist says, “What’s your problem?”
        Man says, “Everybody ignores me.”
        Psychiatrist turns his head toward the door and yells, “NEXT!”

        Psychiatrist says, “What’s your problem?”
        Man says, “Nobody likes me, you jerk.”

      • Back in 1966, right after I got of the Army, I played one weekend with a small group at Grossingers, in the Catskills. The other act? Henny Youngman. Funny guy and very personable. Shared a lot of jokes with us that he couldn’t use in his act.

        Why do I have the feeling that you and I are the only ones who know who he is?

  2. Henny Youngman? Sure! He’s a comedian who played Grossfingers in the Catskills. We even know about him over here, not a lot, but we know him.
    I was going to the Clairvoyants’ Council Meeting today, but it was called off owing to unseen circumstances.

  3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha–thank you!

  4. coin25

    Henny was a classic. He played the violin while he joked with the fpolks in the audience. Very funny one liners – My favorite for one liners back in the day was Rodney Dangerfield – we saw him in AC and it was great.

  5. coin25

    No it wasn’t I remember him from TV shows, along with Red Skeleton, Jack Benny and later on Jonathan Winters.

  6. coin25

    Yeah, I am getting there –
    Wasn’t he the one that said (after a few jokes)
    “Take my wife”……please”

  7. I was seeing a hot chick for like 2 weeks… until the cops came and took my binoculars!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s