A Milestone for the Malamute Saloon…

This post from John Howland is his 200th for Stout Standards, and I thank him…I think?  It’s hard to believe that I’ve been able to put up with him that long, and not been invoiced on top of it.  I have no doubt that he’s keeping a chit sheet….

200 – Not Out! We’re on a Roll!


When Stouty first asked me for a contribution to this blog (unpaid of course) I foolishly thought it would be a one-off (Ha! Some hopes).

Working to the principle that ‘a friend in need is a bloody nuisance’, I went along with the con er, I mean…meagre offer. But now this – the 200th time I’ve pressed up to the Malamute Saloon’s bar – is something a milestone. I’m not precisely sure what it marks out, though I’m certain our favourite ‘dead-heads’ will have something to vomit about. Nevertheless, the journey’s been a whole lot of fun, still is, and along with some pretty astute readers, we’ve lifted a few scalps en route.

One favourite clump of hair hanging outside the Malamute Saloon’s tepee represents an illustrious victory for the hobby and a deservedly, inglorious drubbing for archaeology’s oafs. I am of course referring to the absurd Artefact Erosion Counter, that widely-derided, widely-discredited, piece of comical fibbery dreamed-up by the Brothers Grimm – Warsaw Wally and Heritage Harry.

Wally, along with his guru, Heritage Harry – who gives the impression of being marginally brighter than a ‘Toc H’ lamp in matters heritage – tried to pass it off as Kosher archaeological data. Nevertheless, its iffy chat-up lines got some to drop their knickers; not least among them, Prince Charles’ outfit, the Council for British Archaeology, who fell for it all faster than a drunken sailor for a $20 tart (my apologies to all $20-a-time tarts for comparing you to archaeologists. No offence intended).

This devastating exposé underscored the CBA’s key weakness; ravenous for any kind of BS that shows the hobby in a poor light. In my opinion, the CBA is no friend of ours, never was, and never will be. Indeed, why would detectorists would want to buddy-up with such a pack of ingrates is beyond me, particularly with their desire to inflict of what they think passes for a detectorists Code of Conduct? Cheeky arrogant sods! Look inwards, plebs, and see the thieving that’s rife within your own ranks.

Nevertheless, a side-effect has been to inspire other detecting-bloggers to develop a low-tolerance towards all kinds of arkie BS, and to speak out against the customary ad hominen abuse hurled by devious, self-styled heritage ‘experts,’ who along with the UK’s (and US’s) resident, heritage knuckle-draggers, apparently overburdened by that uncanny, archaeological inability to distinguish fact from fiction. Predictably the CBA demonstrates its commitment to its charitable status by remaining tight-lipped about the kindergarten antics of Messrs Barford and Swift.

Speaks volumes, Eh?



It’s Not Just Finds They are Good at Identifying….Julie Cassidy, a Finds Liaison Officer with the UK’ s Portable Antiquities Scheme sent an email to her colleagues which, according to the serial moaner and fierce anti-PAS/ collecting/detecting/US Foreign Policy/Malamute Saloon/critic Paul Barford, contained the following sentiment:-

“I tend not to read Barford. I have enough depressing crap to deal with without looking for more! Good luck with this one everyone.”

Well spotted and said, Julie! Hat Tip to you!

And there’s more…..

…. ComЯades! Gissa Job?

“As I have said before, we need a PAS. We need a PAS which has a fixed legally-constituted place within the UK’s heritage management (I use the term loosely) system and which has the ability to get tough with bad practice and of course steady and assured access to adequate resources to do the job while the need exists due to current policies. That is what needs to change, more than the personnel.” Blimey! Now there’s a fine piece of oily, grovelling, toadying, if there ever was one.

Is it possible the Warsaw Warbler, that pisspoor blogger, PAS-hater, anti-collector, anti-relic-hunter, anti-American, is going to take the British Museum’s shilling and a menial position with…. the PAS (perhaps one of his old comЯades in the former Polish Communist regime is about to take command). It remains unclear what precisely he’s qualified to undertake, or, more likely perhaps, it’s all simply nothing more than arrogant “depressing crap” from a non-UK resident; one who abandoned democracy years ago in favour of the delights of Polish Communism?


Would you buy a second-hand trowel from this man? Heritage Action’s (HA) blogger-in-chief and co-architect of the AEC the abysmal Nigel Swift, is evidently seriously embarrassed by the fact that HA’s cover – supposedly, that of a well-informed, heritage outfit – has been blown sky-high by the Portable Antiquities Scheme.  Lapsing into its now familiar victim routine (the usual refuge when it’s caught in a lie), this sandaled ensemble of would-be heritage Polkovniks (полко́вник), treated us all to another, classic, lily-livered epistle. The first, and last paragraphs of their ‘Dear John’ are reproduced below (Have sick-bags at the ready). Here goes:-

“For years PAS has dismissed us as “trolls” and this week they have added “prejudiced and ill-informed” to the list. Their complaint is never about what we say (how could it be? If our PAS and thousands of detectorists misinform thousands of farmers weekly in that way and have been doing so for years and years and years.” There follows the usual “Depressing crap” al la Barford, concluding precisely with the very same ‘prejudiced and ill-informed’ claptrap the PAS rightly accuses HA of indulging in:-

“PAS and thousands of detectorists misinform thousands of farmers weekly in that way and have been doing so for years and years and years.”

Unsurprisingly, this kind of showboating baloney attracts the gullible – like flies to a turd. Being the vaudeville act they are, HA supporters wisely use aliases when leaving comments on the blog!

One could be forgiven for thinking that, somewhere, a village has misplaced its idiot.

Yup! The PAS got it right again: ‘Trolls.’ ‘Prejudiced and ill-informed.”



I’ve recently bought an Irish Setter pup. His coat is red. He belongs to a breed with a tendency to ‘play deaf,’ so careful training on mastering the recall is required before allowing him off-lead.

I’ve named him, ‘Barford’.


Ha, So!Whereas karate means ‘empty hand,’ the little known martial art, Wi Li, or ‘empty head’ developed from the indigenous martial arts of Ryukyu Islands in Okinawa under the influence of Chinese martial arts, particularly Fujian White Crane, has a minor following in Europe and on the UK mainland.

As opposed to karate which is predominantly a striking art using punching, kicking, knee strikes, and elbow strikes, Wi Li relies on non-contact techniques to overcome an opponent, by using language instead of blows.

Students are taught to use idiot phrases, hopefully to devastating effect, such as:

Moron. You’re a Thugwit.

Not all my fault….I only wrote half the AEC.

US collectors support ISIS

Just because I call you all morons, does not mean you can insult me.

I think perhaps it’s time I wrote a succinct statement about the PAS, as is my prerogative being a prejudiced and ill-informed troll, one which actively condemns bad practice and acknowledges for the information of taxpayers and landowners that the evidence indicates what a shower of bastards all detectorists are. If that doesn’t work, we’ll put on a show! So there!

Students are belt-graded as either White (Capitulator) or Yellow (Fabricator).



To all writers of “depressing crap” who avidly read this blog:

There seems to be no lengths to which humourless people will not go to analyse humour. It seems to worry them.

I’ll see y’all in the bar!



Filed under Metal Detecting

2 responses to “A Milestone for the Malamute Saloon…

  1. Congratulations on your 200th blog post that’s a huge achievement 🙂

    And also congratulations to you also Dick for putting up with him for so long haha.

    Keep up the good work


  2. Tascio

    This is tedious stuff even by Mr Howland’s standards. The usual moaning about Barford and co dealing out ‘the customary ad hominen [sic] abuse’ is met with… nothing but ad hominem abuse. If you want to help your hobby, Mr Howland, how about posting something positive?

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